well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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