he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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