I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
