chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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