One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
