There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Pants are for mortals
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
