I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
