Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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