I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
