i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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