It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
