I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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