first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
True strength comes from lack of pants
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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