We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
