I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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