I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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