Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
