I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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