just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
