some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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