If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize