Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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