dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
