He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Welp...herpes.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
