I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
