I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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