it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
