New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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