I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
we're so committed to being not committed
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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