You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
