Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
