god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
