A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
