Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
