community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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