I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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