pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
