I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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