I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
COCAINE IS GR8
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
