Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
