i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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