i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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