So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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