if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
