i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
