The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
