And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
