that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
