I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
