i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
