are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just found puke in my bra..
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
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