I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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