Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
