Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
