Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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