good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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