I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
